


So, What is Love?

by Atherin0305, LucariosFish, Pomfry



Category: Servamp (Anime & Manga)
Genre: Mentions of Anxiety, Mentions of Mentions, Mentions of self-harm, mention of suicide, mentions of depression
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-27
Updated: 2018-07-27
Packaged: 2019-06-17 01:42:26
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,178
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15450585
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Atherin0305/pseuds/Atherin0305, https://archiveofourown.org/users/LucariosFish/pseuds/LucariosFish, https://archiveofourown.org/users/Pomfry/pseuds/Pomfry
Summary: Kuro didn’t know what “hope” was or what “hate” is. He knew very well what “regret” and “sorrow” was, but never “love”.So, what was Mahiru?





	So, What is Love?

**Author's Note:**

> Hi! So, I started a round robin in the SerVamp Love Hotel Discord chat late at night and three others joined! Please be warned that there is suicide and self-harm mentions (he cuts himself with nails, wants to drown himself). I appreciate Mikey's, Rin's, and Nike's participation in this and I hope we have more round robin again soon because it was so fun to write with others! Take into consideration: this can be taken as platonic or romantic, however you, the reader, wants to understand it. Without further ado, please enjoy!

Kuro threw a stick.

  
Kuro threw a pebble.

  
Kuro threw away his anger.

  
Threw away his pain.

  
And killed his determination.

  
Kuro didn’t know what “hope” was or what “hate” is. He knew very well what “regret” and “sorrow” was, but never “love”.

  
So, what was Mahiru?

Mahiru was something different, Kuro knew that for certain. Sometimes, when Mahiru was in danger, Kuro got chills. Other times, like when he smiles, Kuro feels warm.   
  
He threw another pebble in frustration.

Mahiru was light, he thinks. Mahiru was light when he was darkness, something that drew Kuro in like a moth to a flame.  He's - different. Kuro just didn't know what kind of different. He's certain it was the good kind, so sure because Mahiru brings a kind of contentedness he hasn't felt in decades. He brings a calm, a warm home to fall asleep in. He brings - something. Something that makes his heart ache and his face try to smile. Something that's like happiness but not, and Kuro has no idea what it is.   
Maybe, he muses as he tosses a small, smooth stone into the water, it's something completely new.   
  
The stone disrupts the surface, brings with it a splash and ripples. Kuro stares at it hard for a moment, thinking it over. If anything, Mahiru is like that stone. He brought a flash of instability, ripples across Kuro's very being with hardly a care as Kuro was dragged along for the ride.   
  
He pulls his legs to his chest, resting his chin on his knees. Maybe, just maybe, it wasn't something bad. Maybe, he doesn't need to figure out just what Mahiru brings.   
  
Maybe he already knows.

Not that he cared. No, he shouldn't. He couldn't. He wouldn't.   
  
_ I can't care, I just can't. I've been hurt enough. _   
  
**_But maybe you want to be hurt_ ** **more.**   
  
Kuro hated the voice in his head. That stupid cat doll-demon. He hated, hated, hated it.    
  
"Mahiru is special. Mahiru is kind. But I cannot get attached," the mantra he repeated often sliding past his lips. "I cannot care. I cannot worry. Not for him. Not when he's vulnerable and can die." His voice trailing away bitterly at the last sentence. He hated it.

And yet, he knew. He knew that he had already grown to care for Mahiru, no matter how hard he had tried to keep the distance. The boy had the annoying ability to slip past his walls and rekindle emotions and feelings he had long thought dead within him.   
  
It wasn't fair. He wasn't meant to get attached. But he had. He had and no matter what he did to try and put distance between them again, he'd only end up hurting the both of them. Mahiru would be hurt more, he knew. He wouldn't understand why he had closed off and would try his damndest to wriggle his way back into his heart.    
  
He sighed angrily, at a loss as to what he should do to minimize the hurt that he would, eventually, and inevitably cause.

Perhaps he could stay silent. Stop griping and start doing. That would surely make it hurt less, right? Surely, he could find a way. He had to find a way. He just - he couldn't live with himself if he hurt Mahiru, hurt the boy who smiled at him even after he found out what he did. He couldn't forgive himself if he became the reason Mahiru's grin falls. He couldn't - couldn't -   
  
Kuro breathes out roughly, running a hand through his hair. Mahiru should be looking for him, he knows, but he chose a secluded spot for a reason. Kuro needs time to figure out just what is going on in his head, time to puzzle out answers. It's how he's always been and he doesn't see it stopping now. Besides, Mahiru already put up with so much of his shit, already put up with his laziness and complaining and -   
  
And Mahiru is too  _ good _ for him. That's the thing. He realized it when they first fought Belkia. Mahiru is too good for him - too kind, too easily forgiving, and too protective over someone like him. Someone who pushed him away again and again and again.   
  
Someone who will hurt him. Kuro doesn't understand Mahiru at all most of the time.

He could imagine it. It clogged his throat and his chest burned from the thought. The plush cat danced in delight in his head squeaking gleefully with a sewed grin.

  
His thoughts conjured the shadows to play,  bring them before him in a patch of light. They formed the figure of his eve, a few inches tall dark mass that propped its hands on its hips and looked to the shadowed form of himself.

  
They moved, going through a memory Kuro remembered from earlier that day. And now it played to where Kuro was by himself and someone was asking for Mahiru’s help, only to turn and stab him. Stab him just like Kuro had stabbed at Touma to get to the box... Kuro flinched violently, throwing himself to his feet, scrambling away from the scene.   
  
It terrifies him. The thought of Mahiru... leaving. His inner demon was an ass about that fact, too. Takes advantage of it, gives him nightmares and shuts him down when he thinks to positive. He looked up and his lungs squeezed painfully.   
  
He stared at the plushie cat that stared back at him.   
  
“Happy Birthday.” It purred.

He tried to still his racing heart, knowing that the plush already knew that it had him close to panicking. The last thing he needed was to add even more fuel to the fire.    
  
He took a deep breath and released it slowly. As much as the thought terrified him, he drew comfort from the fact that he could still feel their bond. It was unwavering. Unyielding. ...Annoyed.    
  
Well, that last feeling definitely put to rest his lingering fears. Mahiru wasn't in any danger. Irritated at him for vanishing but decidedly  _ there _ and nearby.    
  
Kuro wasn't quite ready to face him yet. His thoughts were a jumbled mess and he knew that he would end up saying something that would only  _ further _ irritate his Eve. He didn't want to deal with any of Mahiru's lectures right now. Not when he was still feeling so confused as to what he could do. ...What he  _ should _ do but was unable to bring himself to follow through.   
  
**_What's wrong, Kuro~?_ ** it asked with a deceivingly light tone.  **_You never used to hesitate before when things become too troublesome~ Mahiru is definitely troublesome, am I right~?_ **

_ Not in that way,  _ Kuro thinks back, and crosses his arms. _ Not in that way at all _ .   
  
Mahiru is troublesome. He's troublesome and exhausting, but he's also warm and happy and comforting and everything in between. And - he never used to like troublesome things. He still doesn't. But Mahiru is the exception to the rule, just like his siblings were. People who he lo - cares for are always the exception.   
  
The demon grows quiet at that, curling up into a ball.  **_You know_ ** , it murmurs,  **_you could end this confusion right now if you weren't such a coward._ **   
  
Kuro snarls at it and resolutely turns his attention back to the pond. It glitters in the afternoon sun, leaves floating on the surface, but the agitation churning beneath his skin proves too much. He begins to pace, nails digging into his arms from where he's crossed them. Blood stains in the fold of his elbows of his blue jacket from the small wounds but he can't bring himself to care. He needs to drown out the demon and this, as he's learned throughout the years, is the best way to do it besides sleep.

Besides, he healed quickly, and no one would ever know what had happened. He glared back at the pond again, watching as his blurry image started to become distorted from the rain that was starting to fall.   
  
It suited his mood perfectly. He didn't care if he got soaked and cold from it, he wanted to feel numb again anyways.    
  
He was content with that thought. The thought of being numb once again. Uncaring.    
  
**_Hehehehe~ It's too late for you to return to that~_ **   
  
_ Shush, _ he mentally quited the demon. He could have stood out here all night...but an image of Mahiru, searching for him in this weather filtered to the front of his mind.    
  
His frown deepened. He knew that Mahiru would not take his hint to  _ leave him alone  _ for a bit and would worry himself over him. No matter how many times he told him that he was a vampire and  _ could not die _ Mahiru would still fret about his well being.    
  
**_You can end it here, you know~ This would be the perfect chance to return to what you want to be~_ **

Kuro nearly agrees with it. Nearly throws himself into the pond and becomes soaked, becomes wet. Nearly breathes in water because what else does he have? He's immortal - it won't kill him. At most, it will just send him into a coma. At worst, he'll just hack up dirty water.   
  
He nearly agrees with it as rain starts dripping down on him, as his wounds heal. He nearly agrees with it, with it's taunting that he's endured for years. Nearly, but not quite, because someone picks their way through the underbrush, loud and obnoxious like a bull in a china shop. He turns, pulling his hood up as Mahiru stumbles into the clearing, scratches on his arms from the thorns and his face soaked from the storm. The little clearing was safe from it since it was out of the way, but Mahiru clearly wasn't saved from it's wrath.   
  
Ha, wrath. Wonder what she would think of him now, if she knew his thoughts.   
  
"Kuro," Mahiru snaps as thunder booms overhead, the storm crowding above them. "Kuro, what are you doing here? You just - you suddenly disappeared without a word. I was worried, Kuro, and you didn't answer any of my calls and -"   
  
Here's the thing. Kuro would have agreed with it if he was here a year ago. He would have agreed with it, once upon a time, but Mahiru is here, driving the darkness away with just his presence.   
  
So Kuro sweeps him into an embrace and - it's awkward, their limbs knocking together, but it's enough and it's theirs.

"K-Kuro?" Mahiru stutters, momentarily dazed by the sudden contact. "Are you okay? What's wrong? Is everything alright?" Kuro laughs bitterly, his clutch only tightening, before suddenly letting go.   
  
_ "Why do I care so much about you?" _ The question was sent through their mental bond, the air between them suddenly thick with anxiety. Kuro's thoughts flew around in a frenzy as Mahiru stared back at him with his eyes- his bright, attentive brown eyes- blown wide open in shock and questioning.   
  
"Well, I'd assume it have to go both ways, right?" The human joked, though was completely serious otherwise. Kuro nodded, then looked back toward the water. Suddenly, as if something in him clicked with the rushing rain and splashing water, his mouth ran away with his thoughts.   
  
"What if I die today? Or realistically yet, you? Mahiru, I can't. I can't deal with it. I know I say it at the most useless and absurd times, but I _ just can't _ . I just can't. I can't stand the thought of you not being there tomorrow. I can't bear the day where I forget you and my name. My cherished name that you have given me. I wish I can say that I won't forget you, but I lock things away, Mahiru. You saw it. All my secrets. All the things I've done. All locked away in some boxes covered in chain and locks and cinches. I just don't know what to do. I want to die. I want to die knowing that you'll still be safe, still be happy. I want to die to finally let go of the things I know and done. I want to die because... Because I want to. I have too many reasons and too much time while you have too little time and I just. Can't. Deal with. That." He took in a deep breath. "The reason why I play video games is because there's always a happy ending. I play because I want someone, something, happy in the end. Because I know I won't be getting a happy ending."

The words were torn out of him with claws, with blood tinged metal that have him tasting copper on his tongue. He curls around his eve, tighter, tighter, burying his nose in Mahiru's hair. Even now, he smells like warm sugar cookies and cinnamon. He smells like home.   
  
Kuro has never understood the phrasing 'home is where the heart is.' It never made sense to him. But, now - now he thinks he gets it. Because home isn't a modest apartment. Home is Mahiru's smile, his laughter. Home is the way Mahiru wraps his arms around Kuro's shoulders - hesitant, like a newborn animal but still  _ willing _ . Home is where Kuro feels safe and he only feels safe with Mahiru at his side.   
  
"You know," Mahiru says quietly, "I felt the same way with my mom."   
  
And Kuro's air leaves his lungs in a rush.   
  
"I felt like nothing mattered since she wasn't there. I felt like I couldn't live without her. " He pushes down the hood and plays with the ends of Kuro's hair, not paying any attention to the way Kuro's body shakes and shakes. "I felt like - I felt like I wouldn't become happy again and I couldn't deal with that. Sometimes I still feel like that." He laughs, small and bitter, and Kuro only pulls him closer.   
  
"Sorry I never noticed," he whispers, shame filling him. Mahiru chuckles in his ear.   
  
"It's fine. I got good at hiding it."   
  
"Still, I -"

  
"It doesn't matter right now," Mahiru interrupts, pulling back. He traps Kuro's cheeks in both hands, leaning forward until their noses are touching, until Kuro has no choice but to look his eve in the eyes. "Kuro, I need you to understand that I won't be here forever and that you'll have to move on." He smiles, small and bitter. "You can't shut down if I leave. I don't want you to do that. I understand that it will hurt. I understand more than you could imagine. But - you can't become like Hyde was before Licht. You can't."   
  
He holds Kuro's gaze in his own.  _ "Promise me." _   
  
The air trembling in Kuro's lungs is finally released as he sags. "I promise."   
  
Mahiru smiles, a hand sliding down until it latches onto his wrist. "Then, let's go. The others are waiting."   


“The others?” Kuro echoes owlishly, Mahiru tugging him along with a sheepish smile.   
  
“I kinda... called... everyone.” He whispered, leading Kuro back the way he came from, wary of thorns and snapped twigs.   
  
Kuro blinked and groaned. He could already hear Hugh’s formal complaints and Hyde’s necessary teasing. He could practically taste Lily’s worry and Misono’s high strung demands of questions, non that Kuro felt like actually answering. Unfortunately, Kuro couldn’t pull it from himself to argue with Mahiru, not after his exhausting display of anxiety and pain.    
  
His inner demon was also quiet, gone from his thoughts and Kuro knew why. Mahiru was everywhere in thoughts. How he moved with a slight skip and how he was glancing at him with swirling pools of delight and relief and guilt threatened to pour in, red eyes looking at the faint tilt of Mahiru’s smile that was not so bright, now that Kuro actually looked. His hand turned and wrapped around Mahiru’s holding his hand firmly. Mahiru burned with delight then, his smile stretching and his eyes straying to the path, his strides a little more meaningful and his grip a bit tighter.

Maybe he wasn't so useless and unwanted after all... He had never really noticed until now just how much Mahiru  _ needed _ him, almost as much as he needed Mahiru.    
  
How had he never noticed Mahiru's hidden pain before? He was the expert at hiding it, so why didn't he see just how much Mahiru had been hurting?   
  
_ Because~ When you entered his life it became a little less painful~ _ he heard a whispered voice echoing in his ears. It wasn't taunting nor was it pressuring. It was just there, like it used to be before things happened and slipped out of his control.    
  
He made Mahiru's life a little less painful, the same way that Mahiru made his a little brighter. It caused a warm feeling to flow throughout him and he was sure that Mahiru was able to feel it, if the squeeze to his hand was any indication.   
  
His promise weighed on his mind, but, if it was the last thing that he did, he would honor it. He wouldn't lock it away like he did with everything else that was too painful to bare. He would do his best to not fall into despair like Lawless had when he lost his Eve, Ophelia.    
  
Right now though, he wouldn't dwell on it. He would stay in the here and now, and not the distant future of "what ifs". Besides, he had siblings and their Eves to contend with. And that was going to be a major pain in the ass.

Hand in hand, Mahiru and Kuro escaped the wall of trees and thorns coming to the group of six that seemed to all brighten up when Mahiru came out with Kuro in tow.   
  
“Brother!” Hyde all but squealed, latching himself to the taller boy’s neck, a large grin on his face and red eyes sparkling. Lily followed up with a sweet smile, nodding gently at their jointed hands. Hugh bombarded Kuro with questions, Kuro quite confused by his expectations not being met but this was better honestly.   
  
“Welcome back, Sloth.” Misono flushed, purple eyes tinted with worry and a desire to express such worry and care but not exactly sure how to express such emotions.   
  
Licht hummed thoughtfully, mumbling quietly about Mr. Cat with a childish glint in his icy eyes. Tetsu also nodded his way. For the most part, they all seemed content with just him being back, not pressing for what happened but Kuro could feel all their desire to know and Kuro was grateful that they did not try to develop any deeper.   
  
They made small talk on the way back to Mahiru’s apartment, joyful and gentle after the short panic for them all , slightly tired and Mahiru yawning. Which Kuro smiled just the tiniest bit at. Yes, their hands still were locked together and Mahiru seemed to radiate a special mind of feeling.   
  
One Kuro wasn’t familiar with.   
  
One Kuro was willing to... learn about it.   
  
Because yes, Kuro loves Mahiru and will for every second and hour of life, day and night.   
  
So, what is “Love”?

**Author's Note:**

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